Death House Press

A Killer Review

[Begin Transcript]

 

Mr. Munsley: Hello, Ms. Nettleston. I’m Mr. Munsley, your reviewer. Please have a seat. Before we begin, what pronouns do you prefer?

 

Ms. Nettleston: Her and She, thanks for asking.

 

Mr. Munsley: Not at all, we don’t discriminate based on creed, culture, political affiliation, age, disability or gender identification. And shall I say Hitwoman? Hitperson? or what?

 

Ms. Nettleston: Um. I guess I’d say Contract Operative. It’s what I put on my tax forms.

 

Mr. Munsley: Very good. Now, as you know, but for the record, I’m filling in for your previous reviewer who was--well, who retired unexpectedly, so I’ll just go over your details, if I may.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Sure, go right ahead.

 

Mr. Munsley: Thank you. I see by your CV that you have some government training--that’s intriguingly vague, as one would expect, and that after that you struck out on your own for a spell before joining our little outfit.

 

Ms. Nettleston: I felt like I was in a rut in my old job, and wanted to fly solo, but after a while I wanted a place to call home again--and, let me just say, it’s been great--the work is steady and very interesting and everyone’s just so unbelievably nice and welcoming.

 

Mr. Munsley: That is so wonderful to hear. Thank you for saying that. We try to keep things professional, but we have our fun too. It is considered a Family business, after all.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Yes, and it shows. I especially love the banquets you have once a month--it’s great to meet the people in all the different departments.

 

Mr. Munsley: Oh, yes, those are fun. The next one will be Hawaiian Luau themed. And that’s not cultural appropriation. Chef Kamea from Food Services is going to roast a pig in the traditional way in a pit in the ground--the whole thing.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Wow. That’s great.

 

Mr. Munsley: Indeed. Okay. So, for this evaluation you’ll be given a rating from One to Four on each of the different categories, where One is Expert, Two is Proficient, Three is Satisfactory and Four is, well, Unsatisfactory--but don’t worry, if you had any Fours then this would be a very short performance review indeed.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Haha. I’m sure.

 

Mr. Munsley: And also, please don’t be too concerned if you don’t see that many Ones. We aren’t really encouraged to use those. They worry it can breed jealousy, which could lead to infighting, and, also, if you were to remain with us, would leave little room for improvement.

 

Ms. Nettleston: I understand bureaucracy, believe me.

 

Mr. Munsley: Splendid. I figured you would. And it’s very much appreciated.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Not at all.

 

Mr. Munsley: Terrific. Thank you. Okay, so the first category is Job Knowledge. You have a Two. Then for the Quality of your work, you have another Two. Off to a good start!

 

Ms. Nettleston: Chugging right along!

 

Mr. Munsley: Yes, quite. The next one is Planning and Organizing, which I think really should be rated separately, since while they’re definitely similar, aren’t really the same thing, are they?

 

Ms. Nettleston: I suppose not, but they do inform one another. If you’re more organized it makes planning easier, and if you’re a good planner, you’d naturally be more organized.

 

Mr. Munsley: Yes, but what about someone who can develop an elaborate assassination strategy right down to factoring in the phases of the moon, but can’t keep her quarters tidy to save her life?

 

Ms. Nettleston: Ah, busted! Haha! But, hey, isn’t going through my stuff some kind of, I don’t know, violation?

 

Mr. Munsley: We have to be very thorough in our assessments, but it was more of a spot check than anything, really. So, that would be a Two for Planning, but only a Three for Organizing--if they were separated out. As it is, the average is Two-point-five, which rounds to a combined Three. Satisfactory is still perfectly fine, and I added comments to commend your Planning skills, and make my argument once again for splitting the categories up--but, progress is--well, I’m sure you know.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Yeah. Red tape’s nothing new to me.

 

Mr. Munsley: Of course. On to Productivity. That’s a Two, but in the comments I included the fact that you came very close to beating the record for most jobs done in a single month--very impressive.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Thanks. I got lucky. Things went my way and I was able to put up some good numbers. It was a team effort.

 

Mr. Munsley: And so modest, which leads me right to Teamwork, which is also a Two. Everyone here just thinks you’re a delight.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Oh, stop.

 

Mr. Munsley: No, it’s true, I’ve heard it from more than one source.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Well, thank you. Even though I am all about the work, I try not to take myself too seriously.

 

Mr. Munsley: That’s a really great attitude. And along those lines, next is Customer Service, which, granted, is difficult to gauge, since you’re under a long-term contract, but if we were to call the Organization itself your Customers, so to speak, then that’s clearly a Two as well.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Isn’t that just Teamwork again? Not to knock points off my score, but just to avoid redundancy.

 

Mr. Munsley: See, that’s why they should let us use Ones--you are just terrific. You know what? The heck with it--for Customer Service I am going to give you a One. It doesn’t really change your standing one way or the other, but it’s something I can do to show our appreciation just the same.

 

Ms. Nettleston: You’re too kind, but I wouldn’t want you to get in any trouble.

 

Mr. Munsely: I’m not worried. Besides, we have to take care of our best people.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Interesting choice of words.

 

Mr. Munsely: Ha! You know what I meant.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Yep.

 

Mr. Munsely: For Loyalty you get a Two, and for Integrity you get a Two. Again, I’m sorry I can’t do better, but not even the boss gets a One on those.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Who reviews her?

 

Mr. Munsely: Well, I do, actually.

 

Ms. Nettleston: And...who reviews you?

 

Mr. Munsely: I have a supervisor too, naturally. In fact, my review is scheduled for right after this. And that brings us to the hardest one to judge, Initiative. I don’t even know why it’s on here, honestly. Trying to go outside the parameters of your work or taking side jobs is kind of frowned upon. So, I can really only give you a Three. Same as everybody. Except the boss, she gets a Two, but only because she’s actually expected to have a forward thinking vision for the Organization.

 

Ms. Nettleson: Should you be revealing her score to me?

 

Mr. Munsely: Possibly not, but we do aim for as much transparency as possible. And it’s not like I said anything against her--she’s doing a great job.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Yeah, no, I agree. And at the risk of being immodest, I’d like to plead my case for upping my own Initiative score, if I may.

 

Mr. Munsely: No, please, speak freely--that’s what these reviews are for.

 

Ms. Nettleston: Thanks--it’s just that I did suggest we get a bullet casting machine to save money.

 

Mr. Munsely: Was that you?

 

Ms. Nettelston: Yes, well--I mean, I made the suggestion. I didn’t actually do the ordering or the set up, but still.

 

Mr. Munsely: No, no--that is good enough for me. Let’s bump you up to a Two for Initiative--that will save us a ton of money in the long run. Great work!

 

Ms. Nettleston: Thank you, I try.

 

Mr. Munsely: Super. Well, that’s about it. Your overall score averages to a Two, which is Proficient, but the descriptions tell an even better story. And, don’t quote me on this, but it’s looking pretty good for a raise. Now, is there anything else you’d like to add?

 

Ms. Nettleston: Well, first I’d just like to thank you for all your considerations. You made this very easy. But yes, I do have one more thing to add. It’s about...well, your performance review.

 

Mr. Munsely: My performance--oh...I see. That’s too bad. What did I get a Four in, exactly?

 

Ms. Nettleston: I mean, not just one thing--Teamwork, Loyalty, Integrity--you kind of went off the rails, but then when you’re sleeping with a lieutenant's girlfriend, it’s to be expected, no?

 

Mr. Munsely: Ah. You know about that? Well, at least you can’t fault my Initiative, right?

 

Ms. Nettleston: True. Top marks for that. And thank you again for being so kind to me.

 

Mr. Munsely: Sure. Um. Would it change anything if I gave you all Ones?

 

Ms. Nettleston: Well, that certainly wouldn’t help your Integrity score any. Nor mine for that matter.

 

Mr. Munsely: Yes, of course. Oh, well. Worth a shot.

 

[End of Transcript]